


Fool Me Once

by eightbots



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb/Sgrub Sessions, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-22
Updated: 2016-10-22
Packaged: 2018-08-24 01:46:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8351524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eightbots/pseuds/eightbots
Summary: A masked ball. A priceless relic. A cunning thief. An old friend has invited you to what might be the most exciting party you've ever been to!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TereziMakara](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TereziMakara/gifts).



> Prompt: Aradia/Vriska: Blackrom! I love their hatemance tbh. Pirate Vriska and treasure hunter/archaeologist Aradia, rivals, hunting for the same thing and ending up having to work together? Humanstuck where they're both super competitive with each other? Anything where they fall for each other but still maintain some of their original rivalry!

The party was in full swing by the time you arrived. The parlor was littered with chattering guests and waiters carrying trays of drinks and miniature grubcakes. You grabbed one off a passing oliveblood and chewed on it thoughtfully, taking stock of the guests.

Lady Dolorosa’s parties called for two things: expensive food and anonymity. The former you had to take on faith, since what you ate didn’t taste any better than anything from your local groceryblock. The latter was quite obvious - everyone was wearing masks, and only introduced themselves with pretentious aliases, if at all.

Your mask was a green skull, complete with a set of pointy teeth which left your mouth exposed. Not exactly your style, but you hadn’t picked it out yourself.

Unfortunately, your partner wasn’t here yet. She said she’d wait for you in the parlor, and told you which mask she’d be wearing. She was nowhere in sight. You sighed, and figured you might as well get a lay of the land. Weaving your way through the crowd, you tried to remember what you’d been told about this place.

The manor was uninhabitated, except during Lady Dolorosa’s sweeply masked ball. It was an occasion for the most powerful and stylish in the Empire to meet, greet, and do all sorts of things to each other. All without the threat of scandal or social proprieties hanging over them. The rooms were filled to the brim with fine art, beautiful music, and priceless archaeological treasures. That’s why you were there. As the Empire’s most (reluctantly) celebrated archaeplunderer, you received an invitation despite your low social status. 

You weren’t sure how Lady Dolorosa knew how to reach you, since you mostly kept to your small circle of friends and coworkers. The identity of your host was a mystery to you, though there were plenty of rumors. Her excellent taste in fashion and cutting wit were well documented. But there were whispers that she was some kind of rainbow drinker or shadow dropper, and that women who attended her parties often disappeared upstairs, never to be seen again.

You had a private chuckle. The Empire ran on rumor, as they said, and what better to feed the mill than fairy tales? You’d been an archaeplunderer for almost 10 sweeps now, and you were quite sure you’d never found evidence of anything as preposterous as rainbow drinkers.

You were snapped out of your thoughts by a beep from your husktop. 

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] \-- 

GC: W3LL W3LL W3LL  
GC: LOOK WHO F1N4LLY SHOW3D UP!   
AA: terezi! youre here?  
AA: i cant see you 0_0   
GC: LOOK UP >:]

You did. You saw galleries and staircases leading up all the way to the fifth floor. Leaning on a railing right at the top was a troll wearing a beautiful white dragon mask and, less subtly, a Legislacerator uniform. Terezi waved at you.

AA: hi!   
GC: H3LLO M3G1DO   
AA: its been ages   
GC: NO SH1T  
GC: HOW 4R3 YOU 3NJOY1NG TH1S L1TTL3 SO1R33   
AA: its a bit too fancy for me to be honest  
AA: i prefer working outside or underground, given the choice   
GC: YOU 4ND M3 BOTH! F13LD WORK 1S SO MUCH MOR3 FUN >:]   
AA: but its a nice house  
AA: i was thinking maybe id go look at all the old stuff our mysterious benefactor has collected over the sweeps   
GC: PL3NTY OF T1M3 FOR TH4T L4T3R  
GC: YOU WOULDNT W4NT TO M1SS TH3 D4NC1NG, WOULD YOU? >:]   
AA: oh, of course not  
AA: do you think… shell be there?   
GC: WH4T3V3R COULD YOU B3 T4LK1NG 4BOUT   
AA: dont lie to me, terezi :p  
AA: were here for the same reason   
GC: YOUR3 4W4R3 TH4T 1 C4NT D1SCLOS3 1MP3R14L BUS1N3SS TO C1V1LL14NS  
GC: TH3 CRU3LL3ST B4R WOULD B3 FORC3D TO M4K3 US BOTH 4 P4N SH0RT3R FOR SUCH 4 V1L3 CR1M3  
GC: BUT S1NC3 YOU 4R3 T3CHNIC4LLY 4LR34DY 1NVOLV3D  
GC: 4ND S1NC3 W3R3 FR13NDS >:]  
GC: 1 SUPPOS3 1 C4N T3LL YOU TH4T OUR 3LUS1V3 4RT TH13F M4Y B3 SHOW1NG UP TON1GHT  
GC: 4ND 1F SH3 DO3S, SH3LL F4LL R1GHT 1NTO MY TR4P!   
AA: but every other time youve set traps for her she got away   
GC: 1RR3L3V4NT! TH1S T1M3, 1M W1S3 TO H3R TR1CKS   
AA: oh?   
GC: Y3S! SH3 3MPLOYS TH3 MOST D4ST4RDLY D3C3PT1ON OF TH3M 4LL  
GC: 4N 4CCOMPL1C3, R34DY TO SP1R1T H3R 4ND H3R 1LL-GOTT3N BOOTY 4W4Y TH3 MOM3NT SH3 G3TS H3R GRUBBY L1TTL3 H4NDS ON 1T   
AA: makes sense! they do say nobodys ever seen her   
GC: 4ND 4FT3R TON1GHT, NOBODY W1LL ST1LL H4V3 S33N H3R  
GC: BUT SH3LL B3 1N TH3 SL4MM3R 4LL TH3 S4M3!

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] \-- 

 

Terezi’s dedication was a little scary sometimes, but it had a way of making you laugh. You tucked your husktop away and tapped a waiter on the shoulder for directions. He told you to head straight down the hall to get to the ballroom. 

You reached a set of carved double doors. As you approached, the two trolls standing out front pushed them open, and you entered the biggest room you’d ever been in. You rolled your eyes behind the mask at the flashiness of it all, but part of you loved it. 

It took you a few seconds to take everything in. There were chandeliers hanging from the ceiling, illuminating the entire space with warm light. The purple wax candles were a nice touch, though there were electric lights too, concealed beneath decorative panels on the walls. A large painting of Her Imperious Condescention riding a massive musclebeast into battle was looming over the proceedings. At least 30 trolls were dancing on the marble floor. Even more milled about on the sidelines, talking and drinking. The band - almost a full-blown orchestra - was tucked away in the corner. It was a very large room.

Almost as soon as you entered, all the guests subtly (or not so subtly) took stock of you. You were surprised when one of them approached you. A tall woman in a deep blue dress, with a cascade of hair even messier than yours. Her mask had eight piercing blue eyes, all of which were looking right at you. 

??????: Megidoooooooo.

Her voice was amused and slightly mocking. You recognized it immediately.

ARADIA: howd you know it was me   
VRISKA: I’d know you anywhere. I’m o8servant like that.   
ARADIA: oh right. youve got your vision eightfold back. you can see through my mask   
VRISKA: Pfft, so what! I don’t need it to recognize you. I can tell it’s you from a mile away. It’s the dirt and cobwebs smell.   
ARADIA: youre talking to me about cobwebs? dont make me laugh serket

Vriska suddenly grabbed you and started dragging you towards the dance floor. You were about to struggle when you noticed people were staring openly now. So you let her, and put one hand on her shoulder and the other on her hip. You made sure to dig your claws into her extra hard. She snarled and returned the favor.

VRISKA: We have to be discreet. If you‘re overheard talking about the wrong thing here, you can be ruined.   
ARADIA: please. as if you havent looked at each and every person here and gotten enough blackmail material to get away with pailing the dinner honkbird   
VRISKA: Wow, Aradia Megido giving me credit! My life must really have taken a right turn since the last time we saw each other.   
ARADIA: it wasnt a compliment. youre a pretty terrible person, so i was just making an educated guess   
VRISKA: Screw you!!!!!!!! I don’t have to take this shit.

Luckily, the waltz had hit a crescendo just then, and nobody payed Vriska any attention. When she wouldn’t follow your lead and dance properly, you dug a claw in deeper and steered her away from another couple you were about to bump into. Vriska hissed.

ARADIA: stop making a scene  
ARADIA: theres going to be enough drama here tonight already without queen drama herself   
VRISKA: Oh? Do tell.   
ARADIA: nope   
VRISKA: What? Why not?   
ARADIA: i dont trust you   
VRISKA: You can’t say shit like that and then leave me hanging!  
VRISKA: Come on, Megido. Spill.

You pivoted Vriska, which looked silly since she was taller than you, and made her even more irritated. You took a second to enjoy it.

ARADIA: i think  
ARADIA: i won’t do anything   
VRISKA: Ugh! Fine. I can make my own fun, with or without you. There’s plenty of other people here I can enlist.  
VRISKA: Did you know Nepeta’s here and Equius isn’t? I always wanted to get her on her own.   
ARADIA: please leave dear, sweet nepeta alone  
ARADIA: she doesnt deserve this   
VRISKA: What I’m planning is completely harmless. Do you really think I’d do anything 8ad while you were here? Remem8er what you did to me last time? That sure taught me my lesson! Man. Good times.   
ARADIA: i sure hope so  
ARADIA: especially since terezi is here too  
ARADIA: she might like you, for whatever reason, but she wont hesitate to do all sorts of nasty things to you if you get up to no good   
VRISKA: Shit, Pyrope’s here? Where?  
VRISKA: I haven’t seen her in ages. Maybe I’ll go say hello.   
ARADIA: seriously? i thought you had a nasty breakup

Vriska suddenly took the lead, forcing you into a backstep that was completely out of sync with the music. You bumped into a man in a nut creature mask. He gave you both the stink eye, and Vriska flipped him off.

VRISKA: Whatever, we’ve had like five of those.  
VRISKA: We 8oth just need a couple of sweeps to cool off, then we’re 8ack to kicking ass and taking names.  
VRISKA: That’s a friend you can count on!   
ARADIA: were not friends  
ARADIA: and you cant get to her anyway  
ARADIA: shes upstairs, were not allowed to go there   
VRISKA: Oh, please. When has that ever stopped me 8efore?  
VRISKA: Terezi’s pro8a8ly just extra security sent here to keep an eye on one of the few super valua8le historical artifacts the Empress hasn’t gotten her gru88y fish hands on yet.   
ARADIA: even if thats true, youre an idiot if you think itll be that easy. havent you seen the waiters?   
VRISKA: Sure. What a8out them?   
ARADIA: if you payed any attention to people who arent you youd have noticed theyre all armed   
VRISKA: I could take them. And anyway, I know the host. She’d pro8a8ly let me see anything I wanted if I just asked.   
ARADIA: yeah right. nobody knows her   
VRISKA: I’m serious! We’ve… gotten to know each other pretty well over the sweeps. I just need to find her, and then rope Terezi into whatever I come up with. She’s not nearly as 8oring as she’s pretending to 8e.   
ARADIA: good luck with that. nobodys seen lady dolorosa all night. shes probably upstairs too  
ARADIA: and say what you want about terezi, but shed never break the law for something as stupid as one of your plans   
VRISKA: My plans aren’t stupid!  
VRISKA: And you’d be surprised a8out the kind of things Terezi can get up to with the right motiv8on.  
VRISKA: I can get into the top floor easy. I’ll 8et you anything.   
ARADIA: and ill bet you that i can get there first   
VRISKA: Damn, Megido. Didn’t expect this from you.  
VRISKA: Guess I roped you into it after all!   
ARADIA: as if  
ARADIA: im only doing this to prove you wrong   
VRISKA: Suit yourself.

The song ended and Vriska stepped out of your personal space.

VRISKA: Get to it then! I’d wish you good luck 8ut........  
VRISKA: I’ve already got ALL of it.

You rolled your eyes, and she was gone. As you walked off the dancefloor you pulled out your husktop.

\-- apocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] \-- 

AA: im pretty sure i just ran into your thief   
GC: COM3 UPST41RS

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] \--


	2. Chapter 2

None of the waiters bothered you on the way up. Even though you spent your days dungeon crawling and tomb raiding, navigating four flights of stairs took the wind right out of you. But you still had the presence of mind to appreciate the many expensive paintings and statues that decorated the manor. On the fifth floor, a troll ushered you down several hallways, and to another set of double doors. You opened them.

Inside, you were greeted by two trolls - both of whom you recognized. Neither Terezi nor Kanaya were wearing their masks.

ARADIA: kanaya?   
KANAYA: Yes It Is Me  
KANAYA: I’m Sure This Must Come As A Shock  
KANAYA: But I’ve Been Lady Dolorosa All Along   
ARADIA: i am completely blown away by this stunning revelation   
TEREZI: 1M NOT  
TEREZI: 1 KN3W 4G3S 4GO   
KANAYA: Yes  
KANAYA: With Her Legislacerator Training Terezi Was Able To Guess My Secret Identity  
KANAYA: She Confronted Me About It Several Perigees Ago, But Promised Not To Tell Anyone  
KANAYA: In Return I Agreed To Help Her Organize This Trap For The Thief That Has Been Plaguing Museums And Galleries Across Troll Space For The Last Few Sweeps   
ARADIA: and what exactly is this trap?  
ARADIA: im still not entirely clear on that   
TEREZI: L3T M3 SHOW YOU

Kanaya and Terezi escorted you to the centre of the room. The space was lined with bookcases, and the walls were covered in paintings and expensive fabric. There was a desk with writing instruments and a globe of Alternia. This must have been some kind of study. Right in the middle of it all was a stand. It was obviously out of place - everything in this room was wood on marble, while it was gray steel. The top was covered by a glass dome. Once you realized what was inside, your heart almost skipped a beat.

It was a diadem - made of brass, inlaid with a single red gem. It looked ancient, the curves and spikes on top worn dull by time.

ARADIA: this is…   
KANAYA: Our Previous Empress’ Crown  
KANAYA: A Friend Of A Friend Dug It Up, Deep Beneath The Eastern Sea   
ARADIA: it’s incredible! pre-extinction artifacts are about as rare as clowns with a friendly disposision   
TEREZI: 4ND H1GHLY 1LL3G4L! 4NY 3V OF 4 RUL3R OTH3R TH4N H3R 1MP3R1OUS COND3SC3NT1ON 4R3 TO B3 D3STROY3D ON S1GHT BY 1MP3R14L L4W   
ARADIA: i know thats why im so surprised to see it  
ARADIA: part of me was always happy i never dug one up myself considering what id have to do  
ARADIA: why is it here?   
TEREZI: 3XC3LL3NT QU3ST1ON!  
TEREZI: OUR TH13F ONLY GO3S 4FT3R TH3 R4R3ST, MOST 4NC13NT 4RT1F4CTS  
TEREZI: PR3-3XT1NCT1ON, 4L13N, 3T C3T3R4   
KANAYA: So When Terezi Heard I’d Found Something Like This, She Contacted Me Immediately

Your husktop beeped. You ignored it.

TEREZI: 1 KN3W OUR TH13F WOULDNT B3 4BL3 TO R3S1ST SUCH 4 PR1Z3  
TEREZI: SO 1 GOT SP3C14L D1SP3NS4T1ON FROM TH3 CRU3LL3ST B4R TO POSTPON3 1TS D3STRUCT1ON 4ND L34K 1TS LOC4T1ON   
ARADIA: smart! but…  
ARADIA: youre still going to destroy it afterwards?   
KANAYA: Unfortunately

For a few moments, the only sound was the roar of engines outside the window. You sighed.

ARADIA: i guess thats the way things are   
TEREZI: L4W 1S H4RSH  
TEREZI: TH3 IMPORT4NT TH1NG 1S TH4T TH1S TH13F W1LL F1N4LLY B3 BROUGHT TO JUST1C3   
KANAYA: Terezi Said You Met Her  
KANAYA: Do You Know Who It Is?

You looked at your husktop.

\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] \-- 

AG: So, you in or not?

Terezi and Kanaya looked over, worried. You took a deep breath.

AA: im in

A second after you pressed sent, there was a flash and a roar outside. You ducked. Then pieces of wall and plaster and desk were flying all across the room. When the dust settled, you got back up and took your mask off.

Hovering just outside the brand new hole was a blue and silver shuttle. Its side hatch was open, revealing two things: Vriska, clutching her flourite octet, and an still-smoking cannon. The cannon ball it had shot rolled across the floor and stopped in front of Terezi.

TEREZI: VR1SK4!   
VRISKA: Hey there, Terezi!   
TEREZI: 1 KN3W YOU W3R3 B3H1ND TH1S.   
VRISKA: I missed you too, 8a8e. Aradia!

The others turned towards you, but you were already moving. You knocked Terezi into Kanaya and they fell over in a heap. Before either of them could get up, you used your mask to smash the glass dome and grabbed the diadem. Then, you ran for the hole.

ARADIA: sorry terezi!  
ARADIA: sorry kanaya!   
TEREZI: WH3R3 DO YOU TH1NK YOUR3 GO1NG?   
KANAYA: It’s Too Far To Jump!

With a grin, you summoned your whip from your strife specibus and, at the last moment, swung it towards Vriska. She caught it in her metal hand with a triumphant whoop, and you swung out of the building right before Terezi’s claws closed around the nape of your neck.

VRISKA: Autopilot, get us the hell out of here!

The shuttle pulled away while were climbing in. Before it turned around completely, you paused and waved at Kanaya and Terezi apologetically.

ARADIA: sorry guys! i just cant let the condesce destroy more important history, and vriska knows a collector whos able to hide things like this! ill talk to you later!

You hoped they heard you shouting. The hatch closed behind you after you were inside, and the cannon vanished in a flash of blue light. Vriska was already sitting in the cabin, and you joined her.

VRISKA: See? Told you it’d go well.   
ARADIA: no, i told you it’d go well, because i did all the work   
VRISKA: As if. I talked you into it, didn’t I? I get most of the credit on this one.   
ARADIA: you know, we dont always have to speak in riddles and code. you could just say “Hi Aradia! Want to steal another priceless treasure from 8eneath the Condesce’s nose?”   
VRISKA: Where’s the fun in that? If I’m going to 8e a master art thief, I’m going to do it right. Troll Interpol has ears everywhere.

You reached out, turned Vriska’s face towards you and placed a warm, triumphant kiss on her lips. The amount of fondness you could feel for someone you hated so much while riding high on success still surprised you.

ARADIA: youre a real nerd when youre not being a total asshole  
ARADIA: i cant decide which is worse   
VRISKA: You love it.

You elbowed her in the ribs, hard.

ARADIA: come on, get us out of here   
VRISKA: Let’s 8low this popsicle stand!

As the shuttle sped out of the atmosphere, you placed the diadem carefully in a compartment below the co-pilot’s seat. Then you threw your legs up on the control panel and relaxed. It’s probably gonna suck, but in that moment, being on the run sounded pretty damn cool.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello dear recipient. I hope I your prompt justice, and that this fic made some sense. I tried to not make it totally obvious what Aradia and Vriska were talking about, but also not totally incomprehensible. It was fun writing it though. Thanks for your prompts!


End file.
